What makes me visible is that I have figured out how not to talk. Not talking is apart from the norm. It is socially acceptable to speak and to WANT to speak. Anything less than this makes me different from the rest, unacceptable. Many want to talk loudly and walk loudly so they can be seen. The puffing up and the loose tongues and the loud footsteps going ‘clack, clack, clack’ back and forth, from person to person, trying to be noticed. They want their importance to be validated, so they become bitchy, funny, stupid, loud, loud, loud, LOUD. And people often notice quickly. Their reactions are neither positive nor negative, but that doesn’t particularly matter. What matters is they are noticed when they put on a different face, and that is all anyone cares about.
But there is something to be said about a quieter presence. Being quiet is going AGAINST the social norm, AGAINST peoples expectations. Because I am quiet, because I am not what everyone else is, people take notice. Reactions are positive and negative. Or even both. They say that I should be louder and more friendly. I should be what they want me to be. I should be just like them. But why should I be friendly and loud and outgoing if that is not what I am? Why should I be happy and loud and social if I’m just going to get pushed aside? Why would I want to be visible if I had to change myself so drastically? If I wanted to be like you, I would act like you. I don’t want to be loud and funny and upbeat all the time. I can’t do that and I won’t do that. If I was loud like the rest of America, I would get lost in the commotion.
By trying to become visible, I would become invisible. So I’ve learned how to stop trying. I’ve learned how to accept my quiet presence, even embrace it. I’ve learned not to listen to people when they criticize how I act or how I carry myself. I’ve learned that the best way to become visible is to stop trying.
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